How To Recover From A Broken Heart
I wish there was a “heart-repair man.”
Whenever a heart malfunctions, you call him over. He dips his hands inside your heart, moves something here… moves something there… and voilà, your heart is back to normal.
A world with such a professional, everyone would always be happy, there would be no wars, just unconditional love for one another.
Sadly that world is as real as Hogwarts…
In the real world, your heart can’t be fixed that easily. In fact, if your heart’s broken right now, you probably feel like it’s going to be that way forever. Don’t worry, I’m not here to tell you “It’s all going to be ok…” like everyone does. Even if it’s true, no one likes to hear that when they’re feeling terrible.
Instead, I’d like to give you some advice on how to go through this heartbreak and come out of it stronger.
Don’t Numb Your Emotions
I know you’ll try to. After all, in a world filled with drugs, distractions and people, it’s easy to find ways to stop feeling bad, even for a few minutes.
Don’t. Please, don’t.
Everyone knows it’s bad to suppress your emotions because they’ll just eat you up from the inside but when you’re in a very dark place, it’s easy to lean into that.
Instead, get a piece of paper out and start writing about your emotions. Write down every single thought that comes to mind. Your mind is a confusing place where everything can be everything. When you journal it’s like letting go of your thoughts.
You Are The Problem
I know this sounds very cynical of me but someone needs to tell you: the person who broke your heart is not the problem. You are.
What did you do?
You let yourself be blinded by love.
Relationships rarely end all of a sudden. There are always signs beforehand. You hoped that person loved you as much as you loved them so you let yourself look over the signs...
Did that person cheat on you? It’s your fault. Did that person abuse you? It’s your fault. Did you fall out of love? It’s your fault.
And I know this sounds harsh, because everyone around you will probably tell you the opposite.
“She was a b***h…”
“He’s an a-hole…”
But you’ll never truly move on until you take responsibility. Whatever happened to you, try to look back at the signs and write them down. If you can, leave them somewhere you’ll see them often.
It’s going to help you long term. See, according to Dr. Roxy Zarrabi, a licensed clinical psychologist based in Chicago, IL, people tend to date the same kinds of people over and over because of their “attachment style.” You’re used to relationships being a certain way and it’s hard to change that. It’s why often victims of abuse end up in multiple abusive relationships throughout their lives. When you meet another person — because you will meet someone else — it’ll help you spot signs they’ll be just like the person who broke your heart.
By writing down the signs that your relationship was doomed to end, you’ll be more aware of them in future relationships so you can end them before breaking your heart.
Don’t Jump Into Another Relationship
The temptation is hard to resist.
You’re going through a rough time, I know but don’t try to fill the void with another relationship. People do this all the time. They get addicted to relationships and never let their heart heal from the previous one.
Instead, learn to be fine with being single. Enjoy the perks of having a bed all to yourself. Rejoice knowing you don’t have to FaceTime anyone right after you wake up. Netflix and chill, alone — why does no one ever talk about that?
Remove That Person From Your Life
Can people change?
Yes, sure.
Do they change though?
Nope.
Don’t listen to the false promises your mind gives you. After a while you’ll start wondering if you should get back in touch and find out if you can work things out. You even forget the reason why your heart got broken in the first place.
And, if that person is in a similar state as you, you’ll get back together and trouble will arise again. It’s a never ending cycle.
Prevent that by eliminating that person from your life. It’s easy to delete their phone number but you’ll struggle to delete the pictures of the two of you.
Why?
Because at a time you feel vulnerable, sad and/or lonely you’ll see a picture, a text or a social media connection and will want to call or text that person. Don’t.
BONUS SECTION: Get Help From Science
Back in the 1970s two researchers, Don Kelley and Daryl Conner developed a model that outlined how people change in 5 steps. It’s called Kelley and Conner’s Emotional Cycle of Change.
In relationships, the 5 steps are:
- Uninformed Optimism: you fall in love with someone and life has never been better.
- Informed Pessimism: you start noticing certain things about that person and begin doubting the success of the relationship
- Valley of Despair: as the name suggests, this is the worst part. Bad relationships usually end here. This is where you are.
- Informed Optimism: you’ve realized why the breakup had to happen and can move on with your life. Maybe you gained something out of the experience that you can bring into future relationships.
- Success & Fulfillment: you’ve found the perfect partner for you. It could possibly be a happily every after.
I think our teenage years and early 20s are supposed to be lived in the first 3 stages. Getting into relationships and breaking up to find out what we want and don’t want in a partner.
Also, if you feel heartbroken, the best solution is always to channel your emotions into something positive.
I channel my emotions with writing, you might want to channel it through making music, dancing, running or whatever. Just don’t stay in your bed all day sobbing.
